How to Experience Anger in a Healthy Way

I am writing this post at the start of spring, when energy is rising, like the sap in the trees. In traditional Chinese medicine, the internal organs associated with this season are the liver and the gallbladder. If the liver is out of balance, it can manifest as the emotion anger, so I am going to explore anger in this post. It is certainly an emotion that I have experienced strongly throughout my life, but over the years I have learned (and am still learning) to use it in a positive way instead of being consumed by the negative aspects of it. And of course, anger can manifest at the personal level, for example being cut up in traffic, and at the global level, for example with military aggression, lack of action on climate change or countless societal injustices.


Being Aware of Anger

In his book A Monk’s Guide to Happiness, Gelong Thubten explains that “Anger and fear can make us deeply unhappy: we become consumed by negativity, which even undermines our immune system. Carrying that resentment is like carrying a hot coal; the more we hold onto it, the more it burns us. Wouldn’t we rather put it down?” To let go of the hot coal of anger we first need to become aware of it. Many people are disconnected from their true feelings, so it is important to be able to recognise the emotion anger and all the forms that it can take. It can be helpful to know that irritation and frustration are forms of anger, as is hate. Scepticism and sarcasm are also indicators of underlying anger.


Anger as a Messenger

“Like all our feelings, anger is a form of communication, it brings us a message,” (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler in Life Lessons). That message could be that we are being hurt, psychologically or physically, or that our needs are not being met or heard. Or it could be that something is not in alignment with our values and beliefs. Anger is a natural response to certain situations, it is only problematic if:

  • we are not even aware of it
  • we try to suppress it
  • it is out of proportion to the stimulus
  • or we get stuck in the emotion.


Forgiveness as an Antidote to Anger

Very often our response to a situation hurts us more and for longer than the initial insult. Our reaction is the real enemy, not the person who offended us. We can control our own actions, but not theirs. We can use forgiveness as an antidote to anger, by realising that the insult was most likely not intentional or, if it was, that it came from a place of deep negativity and a lack of self control. Very often we do not really know what someone else is going through or what place their negative actions have come from, but we do know that we all struggle to control our emotions at times and so we can forgive that. Forgiveness does not condone the anger-inducing behaviour, instead it frees us from further suffering.


Breaking the Cycle of Anger

Meditation and mindfulness practices are one way that we can gain more control over our own emotions and so avoid inducing anger in others, helping to break the cycle. As Eckhart Tolle observes in The Power of Now “people who carry a lot of anger inside without being aware of it and without expressing it are more likely to be attacked, verbally or or even physically, by other angry people, and often for no apparent reason. They have a strong emanation of anger that certain people pick up subliminally and that triggers their own latent anger.”


Anger as a Motivating Force

Eckhart Tolle’s explanation of emotions and anger struck me when I first read it “Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s reaction to your mind - or you might say, a reflection of your mind in the body. For example, an attack thought or hostile thought will create a build-up of energy in the body that we call anger.” That is how I try to look at anger now, as a form of energy, which I can transmute into something positive, into healthy action. If I feel anger, I look for the most appropriate, considered action to take in response. Instead of reacting, I respond. A recent article in Positive News resonated with me recently Chris Packham on why he’s angry, yet hopeful in which he explains “I was a very angry young man and I’m a very angry old man. But I’ve always done everything within my power to turn that anger into something positive.” And in her book How to End Injustice Everywhere, I was interested to see Melanie Joy describe anger as a motivating emotion. She also says that “Anger is an appropriate and legitimate emotional reaction to injustice.” Anger very much is a rising energy.


Exploring Anger through Journalling

Journalling can be a healthy way to explore any feelings of anger that you may have, starting with acknowledging the emotion. My recent post on journalling may help you with that. You could ask yourself these questions:

  • What effect is this anger having on me?

  • What message is this anger sending me?

  • Where is the other person coming from?

  • What is or was driving their behaviour?

  • Why should I forgive?

  • How can I forgive?

  • What positive, considered action can I take to help me move forward using the motivating energy of my anger?


I hope that you have found something here to help you use anger in a healthy way, as a force for good, both within and without, personally and in the wider world.

What is Wellbeing Coaching and How Could You Benefit?

Is there an aspect of your life that is not working for you? Perhaps you want to improve your physical or mental health, or you are worried about your financial situation, or are not happy with where you are living or how you are living, perhaps you feel a lack of direction or drive or you are finding certain relationships challenging. We all have our challenges, no one and no one life is perfect. “The fundamental aim of wellbeing coaching is to facilitate a state of clarity and awareness of beliefs and behaviours in an individual to empower them to create real and measurable improvement in health and wellbeing,” Elaine Wilkins, founder of The Chrysalis Effect. It is about supporting you to get from where you are to where you want to be.


The wellbeing coaching that I practice takes a holistic approach, working with the person as a whole, body and mind, by looking at the eight key areas of life: nutritional health, finances, emotional health, environment, lifestyle and pace, relationships, movement and life purpose. By working on one area of your life, you can start to see shifts in the right direction in other areas too, so don’t panic, you don’t need to work on all of it all at once! Coaching is an unpeeling of the onion, which is why we schedule several sessions to work on one layer or challenge at a time.


Wellbeing coaching takes a structured approach and is primarily future focused and goal oriented so that you have a clear vision of what you are working towards and the steps to take to achieve your goals. It takes a non-directive approach, drawing on your inner wisdom rather than telling you what to do. As explained in the coaching bible Co-Active Coaching “The coach and coachee have equal, though different, roles. They are co-active in the relationship, so they are collaborators, working together for the benefit of the coachee.”


Of course, we don’t know what we don’t know, so as a wellbeing coach I can offer suggestions if appropriate, for example a book recommendation; a link to a website, podcast or video; recommending a particular therapy; or a referral to another practitioner for specialist support. One of the reasons that I was drawn to wellbeing coaching was to make good use of the health and wellbeing knowledge that I have built up over my adult life by sharing it with others.


I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Co-Active Coaching “The classic definition of crazy is to continue to do things the same way. The truth is, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Very often, something new on the outside, like a new outcome, includes the creation of something new on the inside.”


To schedule a 30-minute free trial session to find out more about how wellbeing coaching could benefit you, email me at wendy@rookeholistic.co.uk. I provide coaching online via Zoom or in-person at my home in Caversham.


Four Potential Benefits of Massage

Whether you are feeling particularly under pressure at the moment, want to make massage a part of your regular self care or would like to use touch therapy for a chronic exhaustive condition, holistic massage can help you to relax and enhance your sense of wellbeing.


Being a holistic practice, massage works on the whole person, body and mind. Here are four examples of how massage can enhance your overall wellbeing.



1 Stress Reduction

Chronic stress is the root cause of many health problems, which is why countering stress is so important to health and wellbeing. You can read more about the impacts of stress in my post How Stress Aware Are You?


There are several ways in which massage can help with stress reduction. Right from the start, the ambience of the treatment room can have a calming effect with the warmth, soft lighting, scents, relaxing music and the comfort of the treatment couch and drapes. From the first massage strokes, the stimulation of the touch receptors in the skin can help to lower heart rate, blood pressure and cortisol levels. You can read more about that in my previous post The Value of Touch. Added to that, the manipulation of muscles during a massage can stimulate the release of endorphins, which are natural mood enhancers.



2 Pain Management

Whether you suffer from chronic pain or everyday aches and pains, massage can help by releasing tension and enhancing the blood flow within the tissues, which not only helps with pain reduction, but may also accelerate the body’s natural healing processes. The stress-reducing effect of massage also helps with pain management.



3 Improved Flexibility and Range of Motion

Regular massage treatments can promote suppleness and elasticity through the stretching and compressing of tissues. The greater freedom of movement not only feels good, but can help reduce the risk of injury.



4 Better Sleep

Sleep of a good quality and quantity is fundamental to health and wellbeing, as I explain more in my post Sleep as a Pillar of Health. By promoting physical and mental relaxation, massage can promote better sleep by making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. And don’t worry if you fall asleep on the couch, I take it as a compliment that you feel so relaxed and a sign that you needed the sleep. To fully benefit from the sleep-enhancing effect of a massage, plan to keep the rest of the day as quiet as possible.



As you can see, massage can have many potential benefits to health and wellbeing. Over the past few years I have learnt various massage techniques that I can use as appropriate in a treatment to tailor it to your particular needs. My aim is to help you to feel good during and after a treatment.


If you are interested in trying a holistic massage or would like to find out more about it, do get in touch on 07528 708650 or email wendy@rookeholistic.co.uk. I provide treatments at the Formula Health clinic in Pangbourne and you can book appointments through the clinic or directly with me. I also provide a mobile service in Berkshire and Buckinghamshire, so if you would like a massage in the comfort of your own home, please contact me directly.

The Story of Two Wolves

Years ago now I heard an old Cherokee story that has stuck with me. When I find myself thinking negatively, I remind myself of it. I came across it again recently and thought it would follow on nicely from my previous two posts on self compassion and meditation.


The story goes that a grandfather is talking with his grandson. “I have a fight going on within me,” the old man says. “It is taking place between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”


The grandfather looks at the grandson and goes on. “The other embodies positive emotions. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. Both wolves are fighting to the death. The same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.”


The grandson takes a moment to reflect on this. Eventually, he looks up at his grandfather and asks, “Which wolf will win?”


The old Cherokee replies simply “The one you feed.”



If you find yourself thinking negatively, then acknowledge the thoughts (without judgement) and your awareness of them before letting them go. Avoid getting caught up in them, analysing, ruminating. Don’t feed them. Equally, nurture positive thoughts and feelings. Dwell on those, give them more of your attention, feed them. Learn what generates those positive thoughts and feelings in you and do more of that, whether it is sleep, meditation, music, exercise, a creative activity, getting out in nature, being with people you find uplifting, whatever works for you. By uplifting yourself, you will uplift those around you too.

Overcoming the Barriers to Meditation

A regular meditation practice can have many benefits to health and wellbeing, but it can be challenging to achieve, which is what has prompted me to write this post. I will outline the benefits of meditation to help motivate you and then cover the barriers to establishing a regular meditation practice, before providing some simple techniques to try in order to help you find one that works for you and is sustainable.


Benefits

Regular meditation can help counter negative emotions, such as stress, anxiety and unhappiness. As well as boosting your mood, meditation can enhance your mental function too: improving concentration and memory, and making space for your creativity to come through, including problem solving. Meditation can also alleviate physical and mental fatigue.


Meditation isn’t about never feeling negative emotions. Even monks experience stress, anger, sadness and fear. It is about experiencing the full range of emotions without getting stuck in unhelpful ones. What a regular meditation practice can do is to help you recalibrate more quickly if something throws you off balance. Meditation facilitates the smooth transition back to a calm state, to neutral. It can also facilitate positive feelings: love, joy, contentment, peace.


Barriers

Trying to Empty the Mind

Probably the biggest barrier is believing that meditation is about emptying the mind of all thoughts, which is frustratingly difficult to do and like trying to run before you can walk. The key principle of meditation is non doing. It is time out for the body and the brain, however you want to do that. It can be about sitting with your thoughts, observing them and then letting them go like clouds passing across the sky. Or it can be focusing on the breath or sounds, then noticing when your mind has wandered to thoughts and bringing it back to what you were focusing on. The more you practise, the quieter your mind may become, but don’t give up if it doesn’t. It will be easier some days than others; accept that, don’t fight it. You may get to a point where you can calm your mind for a few moments or maybe more, in which case enjoy the experience, but it is not the be all and end all of meditation.


Time

One of the main barriers to regular practice is time. To help you overcome that hurdle, what is the minimum amount of time that you could commit to meditating each day? That you couldn’t say ‘I haven’t got time for’? One minute? Five? Ten? Start small. You can always do more if you want to, but don’t build a huge wall in front of the start line!


Consistency

What existing daily habit could you hook that short meditation time onto? Is it after cleaning your teeth in the morning or at bedtime? Is it immediately after or before lunch? When would work best for you? No matter what happens, persevere. If you miss a day or two, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just resume the next day.


A daily practice is ideal, more often is even better if you can. I have realised that meditation is like any skill, it requires regular practice, building up bit by bit and finding what works best for you along the way, like training for a marathon. I certainly stopped and started for years before finally settling into a daily practice. My next goal is to make it twice daily…


How to Meditate

There are so many ways to meditate that it can be daunting and confusing to know where to start, let alone how to continue. Here I offer a handful of different techniques that you could try to see which you prefer. None of these involve emptying the mind of all thoughts. Meditation is about focused attention and calming the mind.


Tuning in to the Senses

One way to meditate is to become aware by tuning in to your senses, one at a time. The mindful cup of tea meditation is a good example of that, which you can practise with any hot drink:

  • Notice the colour of the liquid and any shapes on the surface, such as froth or swirls, and how those move and change. Gaze at those for as long as feels good. Then take in the colour, shape and pattern of the cup or mug.

  • Next notice any sounds around you and how they change, or appreciate peace and quiet.

  • Moving onto the sense of smell now, take in the aroma of your drink, taking time to take it in and register it.

  • Only now take a sip to savour the taste of the tea or other beverage. Linger over it, don’t rush.

  • And how does it feel in your mouth and throat? How far down do you feel it as you swallow? Really pay attention with each sip.

  • Finish drinking your tea slowly and mindfully, tuning into one sense at a time.


The mindful cup of tea can be a good way to introduce a regular meditation practice, because it is a daily activity. Try to make at least one cuppa each day a mindful one and notice any difference in how you feel immediately after and over the longer term.

Using the Breath as a Meditation Tool

Meditating on the breath is another way to focus on something that we do all the time in order to move away from our thoughts and into physical sensations. There are so many ways to meditate on the breath, but this is one of the simplest to start with. Try to spend a few minutes once or twice a day quietly concentrating on your breathing. Find a quiet, comfortable environment for this, ideally sitting with both feet flat on the floor and your hands loose in your lap or resting gently on your thighs:

  • Just breathe normally

  • Be aware of your inbreath and outbreath and any pause between

  • If your mind wanders, don’t berate yourself, just acknowledge it and come back to your breathing

  • Notice how the experience changes from day to day, depending on how you are feeling.


Body Scanning

Another way to meditate is to tune in to your body by scanning through it one part at a time. You can guide yourself through the practice or, better still, listen to a guided body scan on one of the apps that I mention below. I talk you through a body scan in my previous blog post Mindfulness: re-engaging with your body. You can also try tensing and releasing one part of your body at a time, tensing with the in breath and releasing with the outbreath.


Meditation Apps

There are many meditation apps out there, which can help you get started with meditation or maintain a regular practice. Calm, Headspace and Waking Up are some of the best known subscription services. I enjoy working with the free Plumb Village app: “A free app with guided meditations, deep relaxations and other practices offered by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh and his monastic community.”  Another free app is Insight Timer.

Meditation in Movement

Moving mindfully is another way to meditate. Qigong is an excellent example of that, with the slow repetitive movements inducing a meditative state as we focus on how the movement feels. Walking is another good way to meditate if you use your senses to tune in to your environment. I talk more about that in a previous blog post Walking Mindfully.

Music for Meditation

You can even use music to enter a meditative state. Apparently, listening to music that gives you goosebumps has the same effect as other meditation techniques, so it couldn’t get easier than that! Try putting together a playlist of music that has that tingle factor for you and set aside a few minutes each day to listen to it.


To Conclude

With meditation, if at first you don’t succeed, persevere with a different way of meditating. If you are very agitated, sitting quietly may not work for you, so you could try walking mindfully instead. Or perhaps listening to tingle-factor music works better for you than focusing on your breath or a cup of tea. Play with it, explore. Eventually you may develop a repertoire of techniques to pick and choose from depending on how you are feeling. I use an alternate nostril breathing meditation if I wake in the night feeling physically restless or a sleep meditation if my mind is busy. If I feel fairly calm, I like to still my mind further and if I feel agitated I find humming a helpful way to meditate and soothe myself. 


I sincerely hope that you have found something here to inspire you to meditate and support your regular practice. To learn more about meditation, I can recommend listening to this interview with Buddhist monk Gelong Thubten on the Feel Better Live More podcast.